I went outside the bubble... and now I've gone back in again

Ok, so last week I ventured properly outside the student bubble for the first time. I did my first stint as a trainee journalist at the local paper. Was it the most wonderful experience ever, cementing my lifelong ambition to tell people's stories to the world from the comfort of my news desk?

Not exactly. Being a reporter is HARD. Yes, of course I already knew this - I'm not TOTALLY deluded (some may argue...). But it was hard in ways that I never thought it would be. I was looked after a little more than the other reporters, being such a newbie and all, but most of the time I was left to my own devices. This I expected.

The hardest thing I found was trying not to ask too many questions. For the last sixteen years I've been in an environment where I've been constantly learning by questioning: "How does that work Miss?", "What does that mean Miss?", "Is this good enough?", "What can I do to improve?", "Am I allowed to write about this?", "Do you think this is a good idea?" You get the point.

In a news room NOBODY CARES. Nobody wants you under their feet, nobody wants you asking them the best way of doing things. They want you to sit down, shut up and get on with it. They want the finished product, no questions asked along the way. And if I'm honest, I didn't have the confidence to do that last week. Now... I think I just might be good for next time. But the adjustment from education to the real world is definitely proving far harder than I thought it would.

The other thing I found hard was the fact that things were totally out of my control. I have the kind of personality where if something isn't done properly, I want to shout and scream until it's done right, or take the reins and do it myself. Ha. Not gonna work in a news room. Again, its a case of put up and shut up... like I had to when they missed the police statement out of one of my stories rendering it (or so I felt) pointless; or when they put someone else's name on an article I'D worked my arse off on; or when they uploaded my article to the website but left half of it off, again, rendering it rather pointless (as a total stranger rather unpleasantly commented).

If I'm honest with you, I didn't put up and shut up. In the privacy of my own bedroom I cried, I screamed, I shouted, I kicked things in frustration... and then I went shopping. Which made it much better.

Then I realised I was being pretty stupid. In the grand scheme of things, it was three articles on a local rag that I may or may not go back to in the future. The way the newspaper industry is going at the moment, I guess I should just be grateful they let me in for the week. And it was a learning experience - it was certainly an eye-opener if nothing else.

I realised in the course of a week that I am going to have to do the following:
1. Develop a MUCH thicker skin
2. Accept that even if I feel I could do something better, I should keep it to myself
3. Have the confidence just to get on with things, rather than seeking constant reassurance
4. Take criticism to my head making it useful, rather than to my heart making it upsetting

So, it was with much relief that I stepped firmly back into the student bubble today when I returned to college. Although I know it'll be a matter of days before I want to put myself through emotional hell again by heading straight back to a news desk. Is that emotional masochism? Maybe, but maybe I need to prove to myself that I CAN rise to the challenge. That I can identify my own mistakes, overcome them and not make them again. I need to prove to myself that I can be tough and not let things get to me anymore. Cos I ain't gonna survive out there unless I can...

"I'm a SURVIVOR, I'm not gonna GIVE UP tra la la la la..."