I want to be a writer, and as a writer I never stop writing, or at least, I never stop thinking about writing. All day long I play things over and over in my head, every scenario I experience I can’t stop imagining how it would look in print. Is that sad? Is it being over-dedicated? Or is it just who I am?
Although, saying that, I never thought that sitting down to write a novel would be so hard, maybe its because I’m only 21 and most people are at least five years older when they come to write their first book. Maybe I’m being over-ambitious? I mean, five years ago I was only sixteen-going-on-seventeen, and my God have I changed since then. I barely recognise the person that I was. I was selfish, immature, naïve, overemotional, melodramatic and generally quite annoying. No doubt five years from now I’ll look back on myself and think exactly the same things about my year 21-year-old self.
I believe you should never underestimate how much it’s possible for you to change. I’m not talking about a conscious change where you sit yourself down and think: “I need to reinvent myself”. Because trust me, that NEVER works. That kind of thinking comes about when people don’t want to admit their faults, and one thing I have learnt is that your faults make you who you are. They are so much a part of you that when you make a conscious change to leave them behind, it’s impossible. For example, I happen to be a very loud and rather opinionated (or mouthy, if you ask my Dad) kind of person. I’m also, or so I believe, a marmite person. You either love me, or you hate me. That isn’t an exaggeration. Yet there are so many people out there who just seem to get on with everyone, and for so many years I wished I could be that girl.
I tried, honestly, to change who I was when I went from sixth form to university. I decided that, in the space of one day to the next, I was going to act less emotional, drink less alcohol, eat better, be quieter, be less demanding, open myself up to getting along with people who normally I wouldn’t have been able to stand five minutes with…
This worked for about half the year before my old self, my REAL self, started to peek through. And the friends I had made during that time deserted me in spectacular fashion, leaving me to start all over again.
At square one.
As myself.
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but you still had me :) And i think you'll agree a finer karen the world has never seen! Your first venture onto the career ladder and out of the student bubble sounds so darn exciting, I'm sadly still there, albeit in Cambridge, but its really time to leave and get into the real world. I've never been a good student, far to keen to earn a crust, have my own house and be a proper home-maker to appreciate the idleness and dissapation that student life seemed to present to me (for those who love being students I apologise, but to me reading other peoples theories is the most dissapating pastime I can fathom!) Bring on the career, bring on the end to student housing, student loans and student studying. I want a real life!!
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